


Let Our Shadows Fall Away (Like Dust)

by Kawaiibooker



Series: V [2]
Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Canon Divergence, Choking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Masochism, Medical Inaccuracies, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, PTSD, Porn with Feelings, Post-TPP, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-11 13:58:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5629042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kawaiibooker/pseuds/Kawaiibooker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an attempt at a fresh start, they decide to say farewell to the past. Some hurts aren't easily forgotten.</p><p>A sequel to "Learning To Stand (On Our Own Two Feet)".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set in late 1985; this is a direct sequel to [Learning to Stand (On Our Own Two Feet)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5443106/chapters/12579500). Please read that one first.
> 
> There's a Chinese translation by zmzm007 available [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6219499/chapters/14249173)!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro.

The miles rush by, the horizon a blue haze in the distance. From above, even the mighty ocean looks small and insignificant.

Venom Snake blinks. The view out the chopper window doesn’t have its usual calming effect on him, the thought of their destination making it impossible to relax, to let the mind wander beyond that point.

Beside him, Kaz is looking through the photos pinned to every square inch of the walls. He seems lost in thought, leaning closer to some of the older ones with a squint before he shoots Snake a questioning glance, asking for permission. Curious what his X.O. wants to do, he nods, watching as he takes down the group shot in front of the chopper – the only one with _all_ of them: Big Boss, Kaz, Morpho... and Medic.

With careful fingers, Kaz smooths out the crease that covers a part of the picture, his thumb passing over Medic’s serious face. Despite the emotional weight the photo carries, Kaz scoffs fondly and passes it along to Venom, murmuring: “I can’t believe they let me walk around with that horrible ascot all those years.”

Snake scans the faces on the picture for a long moment, suppressing the twinge of discomfort in his mind when he focuses on _himself_ , the only person he doesn’t recognize. He ignores the need to look away. ‘Dissociation’, Ocelot had called it: An instinct of the brain to disconnect itself from experiences either too mundane to remember or too uncomfortable to think about for too long. Venom spent the last few weeks training his brain to filter information correctly; rewiring it to accept the shift in identity and block the influence _he_ has on his thought process. It works, most days.

Snake's lips twist into a half-smile, his gaze falling on Kaz’s cocky grin and the backcombed hair he had in the seventies. “Are you sure your hairstyle isn’t the real crime here?” His friend snatches the photo out of his hand with an indignant “Hey!”, falling silent while he broods over it.

“Boss, ETA fifteen minutes”, Pequod reports from the cockpit, his voice echoing in his earphones. Venom hums an affirmative noise into the mic, turning his attention towards the window again. The Colombian coast is stretched out in front of them.

 _Home_ – for once, both voices in his head agree.

*

They land only a few dozen yards away from their destination, the trees swaying in the wind of the rotors. Venom helps Kaz off the chopper with a practiced grip before he signals Pequod to wait for their return. The sound of the motor winding down accompanies their otherwise silent trek to the shore – when they arrive, the low hanging branches of the forest make way to reveal a white-sand beach and a red, weathered house facing it. The sight stops Snake in his tracks, taking it in with a widened eye and a blank mind, a strange mixture of surprise, relief and dread settling in his gut.

If he were to be honest, he didn’t know what to expect when Kaz came up to him one day, saying with a carefully neutral voice: “We should visit MSF - or what still stands of it. For closure, if nothing else.” While the idea itself made sense, a final step for both of them to move on from the events of the last decade, Venom couldn’t help but fear the fallout if his mind decided to relapse. A place so heavily wrapped in memories from both identities was like a mine field in his particular case. Regardless, they scheduled the long flight soon after, leaving Mother Base in Ocelot’s care despite Kaz’s grumbling.

Now, as part of the few survivors, they stand before all that’s left of MSF. The area looks abandoned, the neglected building overgrown by vibrant green plants and brown vines – the nature slowly but surely swallowing the ruins of their dream. Kaz is utterly silent as he starts walking towards it, making his way slowly on the uneven terrain. When Venom makes to follow, he looks over his shoulder in his general direction, avoiding direct eye contact as he states: “V, can I... I need a moment alone.”

Concern for his friend bubbles up, but Snake masks it and nods. As the other walks on, he hesitates a moment longer – as a basic recruit at the time, he had seen little of the building's interior himself; all the distant recollections of it are Big Boss’s and so he decides to leave them untouched. Snake moves to the water’s edge instead, sitting down on a discarded crate half buried in the sand. Out of the corner of his vision, he sees Kaz disappear though the front door.

In the absence of a distraction, Venom’s surroundings register fully: The humid Colombian weather makes him sweat in his fatigues, sunshine beating down relentlessly on his back and shoulders while he watches the rhythmic come and go of the waves on the shore. With unusual clarity, he remembers a day completely unlike the current one–

_Harsh rain drops hit his face, the howling wind and the crashing of the waves combining into an aggressive display of the elements. Their instructor shouts over it all, the recruits reacting to his commands like cogs in a well-oiled machine as they alternatively throw, punch and kick each other to the ground._

_Suddenly, the Boss is there. He steps up to him with a calculating stare, bypasses his defense and smashes him to the ground in less than three seconds. Laying on his back, air rushing out of his lungs from the impact, he can see the yellow blur of MSF’s flag in the rain; it marks the moment he truly finds his calling, his new home._

_It's an image he won’t forget until it goes down in flames – and the man known as Medic with it._

The memory fades, another piece added to the mosaic of his self. Despite his initial worry, it isn’t followed by discomfort or pain, only a sense of melancholy that Venom has learned to cherish because it’s what memories are supposed to do.

Indeed, he had been there that fateful November day in 1974 when Big Boss accepted Galvez’s mission, unknowing of the consequences it would bring for MSF and its recruits in the long run. Without it, who knows what would have become of their small operation – or had it been doomed to fail from the start?

 _Eleven years..._ It seems like an eternity away even though he spent most of it asleep. Venom thinks of Diamond Dogs, the family he loves despite the way it came to be; sitting by the remains of his previous one, he wonders how long it will last and if – or when – the time comes, what he – they – will have to sacrifice to protect it.

A shuffling noise startles Snake from his musings. The tranquilizer gun is drawn and pointed at the potential threat instantly, his narrowed eye meeting sunken grey ones. A wild dog stands only a few feet away, its sand-colored coat matted with dirt, ribs visible due to its famished-looking frame. Growling in warning, it glares at Snake – when he follows its line of sight, Venom finds that his backpack is its prime interest. _Smart dog._

He trains his gaze back on the animal, reaching for the bag in a calculated movement before he takes out the beef jerky he always makes sure to re-supply before deployment. The dog's stare focuses on the food in his hand, hunger apparent in the intense look. When Snake extends his arm in offering, it growls louder as it takes a limping step back in defiance. With a frown, the soldier notices the mangled state of its paw – most likely the reason for its predicament.

 _It won’t make it till the end of the week_ , supplies Big Boss idly, his presence merely brushing his thoughts. _Life in the jungle has no mercy for the weak._ Venom knows he’s right; still, he throws the dried meat at the dog’s feet in one quick move. Instead of accepting the help, though, the dog leaps away in fear, aggressively barking at him before it runs off with its tail between its legs.

“It was worth a try”, says a familiar voice from his blind spot. Snake stiffens in surprise, but relaxes when Kaz steps into his field of view. He seems – unchanged, really, a thoughtful look on his face as he glances at the spot where the dog disappeared into the woods.

Venom stands up as Big Boss retreats silently in his mind and walks to his X.O.’s side in a few swift strides. “Yeah”, he sighs, glancing at the beach house before he looks at Kaz, scrutinizing him. “You okay?”

It’s difficult to recognize his expression behind the aviators, but the twitch of his lips carries the usual amount of fondness when Kaz says: “Will you ever stop worrying? I’m fine. Did you take a look around?”

Venom takes the jab in stride, answering the question with a wordless shake of his head. “Figured I’d wait for you.” _In case I lose myself_ , he wants to add, but decides to leave it unspoken – so far, Big Boss hasn’t made a move to take over, his thoughts fully in his own control.

Kaz huffs at that. “Lead on, then.”

And so he does. They go at a leisurely pace, sharing a companionable silence. Venom stays close to the shore, the wet sand easier for his X.O. to walk on. Indistinct impressions pass through his head, none relevant enough to mention – until Snake spots stark white between the blurred shades of green.

A tingling feeling in his mind tells him that he knows the place his feet take him to. On a closer look, it turns out to be an old tent, the canvas yellowed by the passage of time. “The med bay...” Venom murmurs to himself, reaching out to swipe away a branch, revealing the universal symbol of the red cross on the side.

“I didn’t know we left it here like this”, Kaz supplies to his left, inspecting the structure with a pensive gaze. Snake shrugs, steps inside–

He is caught in a rush of familiarity at the mostly unchanged interior, the equipment and spartan furniture preserved by the canopy like a time capsule. Venom turns slowly, taking in every object curiously until his gaze lands on a small file cabinet beneath a plain table. Acting on muscle memory, he reaches for its handle, picking a folder at random to leaf through.

“Snake?”

The soldier hums distractedly, reading the concise notes that describe a gruesome gunshot wound to the spine in detail; the operation to remove the bullet pieces had been complicated as the fragments had lodged themselves between the fourth and fifth Lumbar vertebrae–

“V!”

Suddenly, he feels a presence at his side, a cautious hand on the crook of his elbow. Venom flinches from the touch, breaking out of his dazed state to see Kaz’s tense expression, brow furrowed in concern. “Are you alright?”

Snake takes a breath, feeling disoriented but otherwise– “Alright? Kaz, do you know what this is?” He shoves the file _written in his own handwriting_ into Kaz’s hand hovering by his side. “This is  _mine_. I remember what it says, like it was yesterday: Alligator got shot, minimal tissue damage – the risk of paralysis was the real problem...” He trails off, gripping Kaz’s shoulders with firm hands as he tries to look into his eyes and sees himself reflected in the tinted glass of his aviators.

“These files prove that Medic existed, Kaz. The stranger in the picture... I can’t be sure because I don’t _know_ him. But _this_ I recognize.” He’s panting from exertion by then, the flood of new information his brain has to work through tiring him more than the rest of the day had.

Kaz is speechless for a moment, trying to find the right words before he swallows, nodding towards the cabinet. “Let’s take it with us. If– if this helps keep you grounded, we’ll take everything to Mother Base and sort through it there. But now–”, a short gesture to the ground, “you need to sit down and breathe, because you look ready to pass out.”

Venom chuckles breathlessly, doing as he's told and putting his head between his knees for good measure. He hears the rustle of clothing and the tell-tale huff as the other sits down as well, then a familiar pressure as a strong hand kneads his back.

“Any sign of _him_?” Kaz breaks the silence, sounding hesitant to bring it up.

Snake lifts his head and takes a moment to scour his mind for Big Boss, but he remains absent so he shakes his head, resting it on his crossed arms. Venom yawns. “Only me. Just tired, is all.”

Kaz tsks, cocking an eyebrow in disbelief to hide the relief that Venom can sense anyways. “Well, you can’t sleep yet – if you want those files, you gotta carry them to the chopper yourself.”

“Bossy...” Venom complains without really meaning it. They stay on the ground for a few minutes to rest before Snake sighs deeply, making to stand again. “C’mon, we shouldn’t keep Pequod waiting for too long.”

They do a rough sweep of the med bay on their way out, but add little to the objects they want to take back with them. When they step outside, they notice that the sun has begun to set, casting a golden light on the beach. It makes their final leave that much harder, to see the once vivid place shine bright once more before it's abandoned forever.

As they walk, they pass the discarded piece of jerky, the encounter with the dog worlds away. Still, Kaz pats him on the back in consolation. “Let’s leave it there. Maybe it’ll come back for it?"

Snake smiles at the thought, adding the rest of the meat in his backpack just in case.

*

He heaves the cabinet into the chopper with a loud _bang_ before he jumps into it himself, offering Kaz a hand.

“ _Was zum–_ Boss, a little warning next time?!” Pequod cries, on the verge of a heart attack if his expression is anything to go by. Venom grins, mumbling an apology before he throws himself into his customary seat with a groan, closing his eye in exhaustion.

“What’s up with him?” he hears the pilot ask, the question presumably directed at Kaz who answers... something– Snake tries to pay attention, but the drowsiness that wraps itself around him makes it hard to think...

He wakes from a dreamless sleep with a start, instinctively righting himself in an attempt to place his surroundings – but he hits his head on something solid instead, adding pain to his confusion.

A curse is spit out directly above him as the object he was leaning against moves away, making him fumble for balance before he catches himself with a hand on a firm ... thigh?

Finally, Venom looks up, meeting the pissed-off glare of his commander who is rubbing his jaw with a deep frown. “I swear, for a legendary soldier you’re so clumsy at times... Good fucking morning, V.”

“Morning?” Snake replies sheepishly, sitting up from his unfortunate position. The chopper is illuminated by the dim night lights, Pequod a dark silhouette against the colorful blinking of his cockpit.  Outside, the world is completely devoid of any signs indicating civilization, which means they’re currently flying over some part of the ocean... “Where are we?”

His question isn’t answered instantly – Kaz isn’t paying attention to him, staring into the darkness surrounding them, an oddly distant expression on his face as he keeps touching the slowly-forming bruise. Either he’s lost in thought or ignoring him for the whole sleeping-on-him-and-then-hitting-him-in-the-jaw business, which Venom figures he deserves, so he leaves him be for the moment.

Good thing that he still has his trusty pilot who replies: “We’re almost home, Boss. Currently flying over the Indian Ocean, ETA fifty-five minutes.” Venom nods in thanks at the information, stretching his sore back before he settles into the seat.

Kaz is still absent, so he decides to test the waters, bumping his thigh against the other’s to get his attention. His X.O. is startled from his thoughts and turns his face to Snake with a questioning tilt to his head.

“I’d say the trip to Colombia was a success, huh?” Venom smiles tentatively, but it dims a little when the only response he gets is a non-committal hum. “Look, I’m sorry for the bruise. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you–”

“Don’t worry about it, Snake”, Kaz interrupts, averting his gaze back to the window. “And yeah, it was... good. I’m glad we got to see it one last time.”

And that’s that. Sensing that Kaz isn’t in the mood to talk, Venom drops the subject. They stay silent for the rest of the flight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro.
> 
> Two things:  
> \- The E-rating on this fic is for this chapter. You have been warned.  
> \- This chapter contains possibly triggering content. Please read the tags carefully if this affects you.

“This is a story about love. Like most love stories, it begins with an act of utter foolishness...”

A snort interrupts the droning of the small television. Venom leans back into the couch, making himself comfortable with an arm slung casually over the back rest to wrap around Kaz’s shoulders.

“Give the movie a chance, Kaz. It’s supposed to be really good.” His eye follows the graceful movements of a pair of cranes on the screen, reading the title that flares up in big letters: _The Flight of the Red Crowned Cranes_. The man beside him grumbles, but settles down to watch it anyways, munching away on some popcorn Snake got him to sweeten the deal.

Although the animal documentary _does_ interest him, Venom had suggested watching it mostly to spend time with his friend. In the weeks following their visit to Colombia, Kaz had been downright swamped with work, disappearing into his quarters for days on end, only to be seen at odd times in the mess hall. If Venom didn’t meet him regularly for debriefs and other mission-related occasions, he would’ve thought him missing somewhere between one operation and the next. Sensing that his X.O. was overworking himself mercilessly, he decided some R  & R was in order – and left Kaz with no way to refuse, clearing both their schedules for the day and waiting with the VHS in hand after lunch.

Half an hour into the film and Venom is completely invested, resisting the urge to move to the edge of the couch to see better; Kaz’s warmth pressing against his side roots him to the spot. The other man sports a long-suffering look on his face but can’t hide the way his body relaxes slowly into the loose embrace.

Watching the cranes take flight, a thought sparks in Snake’s mind. “Hey, aren’t cranes important in Japanese traditions? I think I’ve read something about it–“ The words are a deep rumble traveling through Snake’s body to Kaz’s ear, who had gradually shifted to rest his head against his chest but straightens up stiffly at the statement.

“Uh...” He clears his throat, drawing Venom’s attention. To his surprise, he sees a blush start to spread on pale cheeks, barely hidden by the hand scratching the neck below in discomfort. Snake feels a slow grin spread on his own lips, tuning out the film – currently addressing the bird’s nest building habits – to concentrate on Kaz’s intriguing behavior with a cocked eyebrow. Kaz narrows his eyes. “Just watch the damn movie, Snake.”

Venom contemplates doing what he is told – after all, the whole point of this is to get Kaz to relax, not to rile him up – but his gaze tracks the rosy color spreading further down the man’s neck to disappear under his shirt collar, clearly visible to his sharp eye even in the dim flickering light of the television. Wanting to extend the joke, he leans further into Kaz’s personal space, catching the other’s look before he murmurs: “Make me.”

Snake doesn’t think about the implication of those two words; not until the air in the room feels electrically charged with sexual tension, the possibility of crossing the line they put down all those months ago a tangible presence in the resulting silence. Kaz parts his lips without uttering a word in response, questioning eyes looking for permission on Venom’s face.

Snake waits for another heartbeat – _Are we ready for this? Am_ I _ready for this?_ – then he closes the distance between them, pressing scarred lips on smooth ones. This time, there’s no hesitation, a confident hand gripping the back of Venom's neck before pulling him further into the kiss, deepening it with a flick of a bold tongue. Kaz tastes exactly as he remembers, the hint of coffee so familiar that Snake feels himself melt into their connection readily.

They move in synch despite the months they spent on strictly platonic terms, the kiss turning heated and messy in their need to finally taste each other again. The film is forgotten completely as Venom follows the pull of Kaz’s hand, straddling his hips in one fluent motion; going for his tie without further ado, he uncovers more flushed skin as deft fingers work on flimsy shirt buttons. It’s like he’s discovering new territory on an otherwise well-known terrain, roaming his hands – one warm flesh, the other cool metal – over Kaz’s chest to map it. He feels more than hears the resulting gasp against his lips.

“Sorry“, Snake mutters between kisses, “I know it’s cold–“ but Kaz shakes his head, silently conveying _I don’t care._  He tries to undress him with one hand but gives up with a huff; Venom doesn’t give him much time to think of a solution to that problem as he trails kisses down his jaw and neck, pausing over his pulse point to nibble at the skin there, the taste of salt blooming on his tongue. Kaz tugs on one of the belts of his camo to get his attention again, telling him to strip in a commanding if breathless tone.

Venom feels a shiver run down his spine, obeying without a second thought; divesting himself first of his shirt before he stands to get rid of his fatigues and underwear, too, baring his mostly flaccid cock. Although he’s not too self-conscious about his body, Snake’s heart pounds at the way Kaz’s gaze wanders over every muscle and scar, greedily sucking in the view. His commander is also a sight to behold, looking positively debauched with his swollen lips and the crimson marks on his neck where Venom’s beard irritated the pale skin. The thought of spreading them all over Kaz's body, of getting to know him physically as intimately as he can, makes heat spread through his veins.

Thus, Venom decides to kneel instead of returning to his previous position, parting Kaz’s still-clothed legs – the man utters a startled curse as he stops Venom in his tracks with a hand clenching hard on his shoulder. “V– Are you sure? Is _he_ –“

Snake meets the heat in his gaze with determination, smiling warmly at the concern before he answers: “Only me.” It’s not a lie; his thoughts are entirely his own, the peace in his mind giving him the agency to know what he wants – right now, that’s Kaz sprawled out in front of him.

“Kaz, can I...?” He motions to the visible bulge in the other’s pants, keeping his hands on Kaz’s knees while he waits for the go-ahead. Kaz nods with a nervous swallow, spreading his legs a little wider to give him better access.

With his pulse pounding in his ears, Venom makes quick work of Kaz’s pants, unzipping and pulling them to the ground in one swift move. Tracing the newly-revealed skin with his hands, he goes down to mouth at the half-hard cock only covered by the remaining briefs, earning a strangled groan above him. “ _Fuck_ , V–“ The hand on his shoulder moves to his hair instead, gripping the dark strands with rough fingers pulling him closer. Snake feels arousal coil in his gut at the reaction, blood rushing south; his senses are fully surrounded by Kaz now, a haze of impressions he wants to record and save like one of his cassette tapes, to relive it over and over.

Venom relieves Kaz from that last layer of clothing, starting to work the other man in earnest as he coaxes him to full hardness with eager licks and a firm hand, feeling his own cock fill out slowly, untouched. Snake can’t remember the last time he has been so turned on, the memory of previous sexual encounters barely more than a blurry thought he discards without deeper reflection.

When he finally takes his length into his mouth, Kaz pushes into the slick warmth with a moan, sliding further past the tight ring of his lips. He protests half-heartedly when Venom pins his hips down with his prosthetic, preventing further movement so he can concentrate. It takes a few moments to get used to the stretched feeling, to understand what Kaz likes and dislikes – but eventually, words seem to fly out of his partner’s head entirely as Snake establishes a steady pace, wrapping his flesh hand around the parts of him he can’t reach with his mouth. Beads of sweat run down his neck, the position taxing on his knees but the feedback he’s receiving – heavy pants interrupted by soft moans at a particularly hard suck – fuels his own need further, blocking out any discomfort.

Suddenly, a sharp tug to his hair makes him look up from his task to meet Kaz’s flushed expression. “V, I want–“ White pupils are fixed on the stretch of his mouth around his cock before they flick up to meet dilated black. “Can I?” Venom is confused for a short moment until he feels muscles shift under his artificial limb. _Ah._

Feeling an unexpected surge of want, Snake groans around the man’s girth, releasing the tight hold on his hips to hold onto his thigh instead. As Kaz pushes into the waiting mouth, Venom drops his flesh hand to his own erection, closing his eye at the intense sensation after ignoring it for so long, trying to breathe through the dual stimulation that threatens to overwhelm him.

“Look at me”, Kaz commands again, voice grating deep in arousal. He swears breathlessly when the soldier complies readily, speeding up his thrusts – “I’m close, _fuck_ “ – before he pulls out, spilling his seed on Venom’s neck and chest with a near-silent groan. Snake isn’t far behind, squeezing his cock tightly as he comes over his own fingers in sticky bursts, drawing out the white-hot pleasure for as long as he can. Still caught in his orgasm, he reaches for Kaz’s opened shirt to pull him down into a messy kiss, moaning his name against lips slick with saliva.

After what feels like an eternity, they part with heaving breaths. Kaz presses his sweaty forehead against the smooth side of Venom’s, finally loosening his grip on his hair to put his palm against his racing heart instead. Snake strokes his thigh with a gentle hand, soaking in post-orgasmic bliss, uncaring of his stained and sweaty body or the soreness of his jaw.

A sudden noise of flapping wings startles them both, the calm voice of the narrator piercing the timeless bubble they were in only moments before. They look at each other, slow smiles spreading on flushed faces.

“Cranes, huh?” Kaz says, his voice a mess as he starts to laugh softly. Venom chuckles, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of the situation. He can’t help but marvel at the ease with which Kaz responds when he leans in for a short kiss.

Venom is loath to break the moment - feeling a twinge of anxiety that it won’t last, that the violent life they live won’t grant them _this_ – but the drying come on various parts of his body and the pain in his knees demands him to do something about it, _fast_. He stands, stretching until he hears his back pop, enjoying the tingling feeling of Kaz’s eyes roaming his naked body in interest. His lips pull into a lascivious grin when he catches Venom’s gaze, looking so close to the old Kaz from before the fall of MSF that Venom has to suppress the memories that bubble up at the sight, knowing for a fact that they won’t be his own but _John’s_.

Shaking it off, he offers his partner – lover? – a hand. “Shower?” Kaz nods, accepting the help with a relaxed smile.

 *

They don't make their relationship official – for Diamond Dogs, Venom Snake and Kazuhira Miller stay Big Boss and executive officer respectively, keeping to their usual code of conduct which displays a close friendship but nothing more.

It only serves to heighten the intensity of their private encounters: A heated kiss snatched between missions, the promise of more, _later_ , accompanying Snake into the field; rough hands getting each other off on the days they don’t quite make it to the bed, adrenaline pumping hot in their veins; a strong embrace to keep each other grounded when heavy mist rolls in, listening to the music on the worn cassette player together to keep their demons at bay.

The first time Venom pushes into Kaz’s body, he’s ready to fly apart from the trust expressed in those half-lidded white eyes alone. It’s the intimacy of being so close to the other that stays with him the longest after they part with a lingering kiss carrying the things they can’t say yet. What they have is a fragile thing in a world that can turn on you every moment, but they try their best to make it work anyways.

Snake is struck by the thought of how far they’ve come as he pounds Kaz into the mattress with steady thrusts, feeling the now-familiar arousal burn in his gut at the breathless moans his lover is making in the otherwise quiet night. He’s starting to get lost in the tight heat with stifled grunts–

“– V?” Kaz’s voice sounds hoarse, fucked-out. Venom snaps to attention, searching his partner’s face for any signs of discomfort but finds that the opposite is the case: Kaz wraps a firm hand around his prosthetic, waiting for Snake to shift his weight – groaning when the pressure inside him moves with him – before he places the bionic limb at his throat.

The image of dark red against the pale skin of his neck strikes him like a physical blow, remembering the pressure of the same fingers against unfeeling metal in desperation, not want. Venom slows his thrusts, a protest on his lips – _I won’t hurt you, Kaz, not again_ –, but the determination in the other’s gaze makes him hesitate. Kaz’s hand tightens around the loose grip on his throat, whispering a strangled “Please–” that breaks away his resolve. Nodding once, Snake rights himself into a kneeling position, drawing Kaz closer to be able to plunge deeper into him.

“Tell me to stop”, he says roughly – and carefully puts pressure on the man’s larynx, tightening his grip gradually. The effect is instantaneous: The man under him moans as his windpipe constricts slowly, his body clenching around Venom’s cock in a vicious grip that makes him close his eye tightly. In the darkness, Big Boss slithers by the periphery of his mind, attracted by the heady rush of violence – but Snake keeps a tight lid on it,  _him_ , determined to make this work for Kaz’s sake.

Despite his silent struggle, Venom can’t deny the arousal thrumming in his veins, something about the primal control over another life coaxing out a growl deep in his throat when he takes in the sight laid out before him. Kaz is breathing shallowly under the pressure of his fingers, his hand clawing at the covers in an attempt to hold on to something while his face–

It’s the distant expression he finds there that stops Snake in his tracks; suddenly, the tensed body beneath him screams distress instead of arousal, the fingers clenching the bedding not in ecstasy but desperation. “Kaz?” Venom loosens the grip on his throat, alarm quickening his heartbeat at the reddened marks he leaves behind. He makes to pull away completely–

“No– Boss, I want– I _need_ this“, Kaz chokes out, pressing his hand against the prosthetic one around his neck, keeping it there – but the distant look in his eyes remains. “Harder, c’mon–“

Snake can only sense everything that’s _wrong_ with the situation, his partner caught in a daze contradictory to his usually strong presence when they fuck. _What is going on?_ The question gives voice to the dread closing around his heart like a fist, suffocating his arousal as he slips out of him, disentangling his hand from his lover’s weak grip. Kaz groans wordlessly in protest, but curls up into himself with slow movements – a subconscious action, an instinct to protect himself from further harm.

Venom freezes up for a helpless second, feeling panic bubble up for the first time in months because _he did this to Kaz_. It doesn’t matter that Kaz had asked for it – and continued to ask for it – or that he seemed to enjoy it initially; Venom knows he should have refused, should have insisted they talk it through first–

But he doesn’t have time for regret, not when Kaz is falling apart in front of him.

“Kaz? Can you hear me?” The words are said in a forcibly collected voice. When he doesn’t react Snake reaches for his shoulder, laying his flesh hand against clammy skin, ignoring the instinct to snatch it away again when he feels Kaz tremble at the touch. A sudden calm descends on his panicking mind–

 _The patient shows signs of psychological distress, including cold and sweaty skin, unresponsiveness, signs of anxiety_ –

– _this_ presence he trusts, recognizing it instinctually. It spurs him into action–

_Get him warm and comfortable, prop his legs up to help with his circulation; reduce all other movement if possible until the exact cause is clear–_

–and he obeys, turning the patient – no, _Kaz_ – on his back with steady hands and wrapping him in the blanket he finds discarded on the floor. He kneels and places the other’s legs on his thighs, deciding to keep the leg prosthetic on for better leverage. He’s talking through it all, a steady stream of comforting words in case Kaz can hear him: “It’s just me, Kaz”, “I need to move your legs, okay?”, “I’ve got you. You’re safe now, I promise”...

Only then – with nothing more to do but _wait_ – does Venom realize the nausea churning in his gut at the missing resistance, the _helplessness_ he never associated with his commander before now – the Kaz he knows always fights, always stands up again despite the torture and lost limbs and heartbreak he went through in the past two years alone. That his actions could reduce him to _this_...

A quiet groan interrupts his thoughts, the covers rustling as Kaz tries to move without success, head lolling to the side. “Kaz? Don’t move. Can you open your eyes for me?” Snake isn’t ashamed of the stark relief in his voice; he couldn’t care less for his own discomfort as long as Kaz will be okay–

White flashes under weakly fluttering lids. His lover blinks slowly, once, twice, hazy eyes tracing the ceiling listlessly before they focus on the source of the familiar voice. “... V?” His voice is a wreck, the thick swallow that follows looking painful due to the abused muscles of his throat.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Wanting to spare him the pain of speaking with strained vocal cords, he answers the question in Kaz’s expression: “You’re... injured, but safe. We’re currently on Mother Base, 4th floor, my quarters.” The other nods, accepting the information with a furrowed brow. He doesn’t try to move again, trusting Venom’s judgement.

The soldier’s medical training kicks in, washing away the emerging guilt. _You have time for that later._ _Keep him hydrated._ He positions Kaz’s legs back on the bed and moves to reach for the half-empty water bottle on his nightstand, shushing his protest – “I’m not leaving you, Kaz” – as he places the bottle at his lips, helping him drink in small sips.

It’s apparent Kaz is regaining consciousness by the way he starts to refuse obvious signs of help, his pride resurfacing now that he’s mentally present enough to understand his vulnerable state. Venom relents, restricting himself to calming strokes of Kaz’s arm with his flesh hand, trying to warm the skin that still feels cold to the touch. He keeps his bionic arm away from him, resting it on his own thigh instead.

They lapse into silence, only the sound of their breathing and the occasional rustle of movement registering in the quiet night. Eventually, one of them has to break it, and Venom is about to say something, _anything_ , when–

“Why did you stop?” Kaz avoids his gaze when he speaks up, looking to the side. Snake wants to gape in disbelief at the question, not knowing where to even _start_ – but he _knows_ Kaz, knows his defense mechanisms like the back of his hand by now even if he was too blind to recognize them until it was too late.

Thus, he keeps his calm, tapping on Kaz’s shoulder to get his full attention. Their eyes meet, a silent challenge in the other’s narrowed eyes. “I realized you were in pain and not the pleasant kind-“

“That’s the whole point! I’ve done this before”, Kaz interrupts him harshly, his hand touching the bruises that are blooming on his neck. “That point between pain and pleasure, that’s what I wanted–“

But Venom stays firm. “You went offline from one moment to the next, Kaz – you weren’t in the state to want anything.” Wanting to make it perfectly clear, he continues, deadly serious: “I don’t know what you have done before, but with me, consent is non-negotiable. I refuse to fuck you if _this_ is what it leads to.”

The other looks like he wants to argue the point, but then he tightens his lips, staying silent instead. Frustration surges in Snake: He wants to understand _what happened_ but knows that Kaz will only build his walls higher the more he pushes him now.

Venom stands with a harsh sound, his abrupt removal from Kaz’s side seeming to startle his partner into action – “V, wait–!“ – but he shakes off the hand that wraps around his metal wrist. Snake starts pacing the room like a caged animal, uncaring of the cold that assaults his bared skin, goose-bumps spreading over his arm and legs. Snake needs some space to _think_ , to distance himself from the problem so he can take it apart and find a solution but the misery coming off Kaz in waves prevents him from leaving, unwilling to abandon him in the face of whatever it is that triggered this fucked-up situation.

 _Fuck!_  With an echoing _bang_ , Venom punches the metal wall with his flesh hand to rid himself of the pent-up aggression boiling in his blood, breathing through the resulting pain that pulses through his body as he hears Kaz curse behind him. Gradually, the tension bleeds out, the hard set of his shoulders loosening until he feels calm enough to face him again. The sight of Kaz sitting on his bed, looking pale and lost with the blanket around his shoulders, makes his heart lurch painfully in his chest.

Snake’s voice sounds defeated when he finally speaks again, uttering the question burning in his mind: “What happened there, Kaz?” He’s so tired of it – of getting a glimpse of happiness only to feel it break apart in his hands over and over, the jagged pieces refusing to fit together again. He could bear it, square his shoulders and carry on despite the ache inside him, if it were only him who gets hurt.

The way Kaz struggles to find his voice, to speak the words caught in his throat proves that this is not the case; Venom’s dragging Kaz down with him the more he reaches for that elusive future they are trying to build.

Ironically this intensifies his need for the comfort of Kaz’s presence by his side. Venom crosses the room in quick strides, uncertainty locking up his muscles for a split-second before he drops on the bed to Kaz’s right, keeping a few inches of distance. Kaz isn’t looking at him, instead studying his hand laying palm-up on his thigh, his mind miles away.

The gruff sound of Venom's voice draws him back to the present. "Can I take a look at it?"

"It's fine, V." Kaz says harshly, but his expression softens when he reads the concern in Venom's face. "But... yeah, you can."

Snake reaches for Kaz then, bridging the gap between them to brush gentle fingers over the marks Kaz bares to him with a tilt of his head, metal against delicate flesh. Despite the severe bruising, the damage is limited as it was administered by experienced hands. The relief Venom feels is muted; he knows that it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

To take his mind off the guilt, he drops his hand to take Kaz's, his thumb brushing over the creases on his palm with utmost care, decades of experience engraved in those few lines. “I don’t want to fight with you, Kaz. We both know it doesn’t help.” The admission is quiet, barely more than a mumble.

Kaz’s fingers close around Venom’s. The man leans into his solid warmth, accepting comfort the only way he knows how – without admitting it out loud. Snake sighs, disentangling their hands to wrap his bionic arm around Kaz’s shoulders, pressing a kiss to his hair.

“Kaz, I’m here for you, too. Promise me you won’t forget that?” Venom is aware he’s offering him an out, a way to stay silent for a while longer. But it’s a risk he’s willing to take – in the hope that, once Kaz is ready to face his demons, he’ll be there to help him through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact to distract from the angst:  
> While "Flight of the Red Crowned Cranes" is fictional, the quoted line at the beginning is not - I stole it from the movie "March of the Penguins", which was frankly horrible but I have the feeling V would totally love it (it's about sentient animals after all).


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by candeloro.
> 
> Again, this chapter has some pretty heavy stuff. Please check the tags before reading it.

_The wooden floor creaks under his weight, his shuffling steps kicking up thick dust that swirls in the air. The interior hasn’t changed much – the furniture is pragmatic, bare, made of the same dark wood as the cabin itself – and he has to avert his eyes to keep the memories at bay._

_It’s undeniable that the ravages of time have left their mark. The building had already been run down when they bought it in 1972; by now, the holes in the roof and the leaking pipes have added their part to it. He winces at the moldy smell, at the cracks in the rotting wood around him._

_Someone has been here. On a closer look it’s apparent that the drawers have been searched thoroughly, that the dirt on the floor is displaced in some areas. He can’t tell when exactly; the beach house had been the last thing on his mind in the chaos following the attack. It’s the first time he’s been back since then._

_The bizarre feeling balling in his gut gets stronger the more he wanders around the empty rooms. H_ _ere, past and present collide with sickening clarity, questions of “What if?” haunting his every step. He feels dizzy, the surrounding silence pressing on his mind–_

_A familiar face. His breath catches at the sight of it, reaching out with a trembling hand–_

Kaz exhales. The smoke rushes out of his lungs steadily, lingering in the night air before it dissipates; he had hoped the memory would evaporate much in the same way, but the photo in the front pocket of his shirt tethers his thoughts to the past.

Taking one last drag of the cigarette, Kaz throws the butt into the swirling see below, its soft glow instantly lost in the darkness. He sighs and gives up the pretense, reaching for the picture to look at it in the dim moonlight. Finding it had been a coincidence, merely a glance under a stack of documents, statistics and financial reports now rendered useless – except they had kept the picture hidden from the unknown intruder.

The very first photo of Big Boss and him, together. Kaz remembers that moment clearly: Big Boss’s strong arm tight around his shoulders, his scent – leather and smoke – in his nose; the flash of the camera had blinded him for a moment, capturing their embrace in celluloid. He stares at his younger self, eyeing his own cocky grin and then Snake’s serious face.

The well-known rage inside him flares and Kaz grits his teeth. In a violent motion, he bites one corner of the photo and rips it apart, once, twice, three times – tearing it into pieces that fall to his feet, swaying in the wind.

It changes nothing.

Kaz knows better than to hope and yet, the disappointment leaves a bitter taste on his tongue.

*

He has forgotten how to spend time by himself. It takes hours of mindless pacing, of thinking and rethinking the same thoughts for Kaz to finally admit it. He has no fulfilling hobbies, no significant connection to anyone but Snake – and even that is crumbling, slipping through his fingers like grains of sand.

Of course, he never would have thought he’d have this problem, not as long as he’s the commander of Diamond Dogs. As such, work is his constant companion, keeping him on his toes, always in motion – or it used to, until the Boss had cleared his schedule via an unlucky recruit who relayed the brief message dutifully before she made a hasty retreat to escape Kaz’s inevitable fury:

_Kaz, your duties are suspended until further notice. Boss’s orders._

_\- V._

_PS: I mean it. Take a break._

The anger never came. Kaz had accepted the order with a slow blink, feeling strangely numb as he read the message over and over. It’s written in the clipped tone Snake uses during missions, the one that reminds him more of Big Boss than anything else. Why he decided to suspend him _now_ when he’s away on an infiltration mission that would take a few days at least is beyond him, but–

 _It was only a matter of time._ He can’t say he’s surprised it happened. Snake was bound to catch up to his flaws eventually – they had been glaringly obvious from the start, even more so since they’ve become more than close friends.

Now, only one question remains: _How long until he gets rid of me for good?_

There’s nothing else for Kaz to do but think. And the longer he does that, the more he wonders why Big Boss had chosen him over Ocelot as his X.O., back then. Anyone could see he was damaged goods after Afghanistan, physically and emotionally – why keep someone like him around? For old time’s sake?

When he feels like he’s going insane from cabin fever, Kaz leaves his quarters. He doesn’t have to search long to find a soldier smoking on his break – it takes even less time to walk up to him and swipe the rest of the package with some bullshit excuse. It’s clear they don’t know he’s not in charge anymore – yet.

Kaz then proceeds to smoke all of the cheap cigarettes in one evening, hoping the continuous rush of nicotine will distract him some – and it does, at first, his brain abuzz with it after the long abstinence. After the fourth, though, it only reminds him more and more of the kiseru he had in the 70’s... Another object belonging to a past long gone.

Still it’s something to do with himself and thus he stands there and smokes day after day, watching the horizon for signs of one particular chopper.

It occurs to him that what Snake had said to him months ago was true: He’s a punished dog awaiting his master – ready to follow even if his only reward will be rejection. 

Kaz scoffs at himself. _Nothing has changed._

*

Pain comes in different shades and Kaz thought he knew them all by now. It’s been a week, maybe more – he gave up counting the days with no schedule to keep – and he realizes: He was wrong. It can always get worse.

He tries reading, picking up one of the abandoned books stacked by his bed and wiping away the dust on the cover, but it doesn’t take long for his thoughts to drift, concentration shot. Then, it’s exercise: He settles for some muscle workout at first, going for sit-ups – his choices are limited, after all – and grits his teeth through a set of 40 before he’s too winded to continue.

Kaz keeps to aimlessly wandering Mother Base after that; he walks and walks until his hand blisters and his bad leg is cramped from the uncomfortable prosthetic and carries on a while after that, welcoming the pain with grim satisfaction. The recruits he meets on the way all avert their eyes after saluting, starting whispered conversations when they think he’s out of earshot – even if he can’t understand the words, they follow his every step.

Eventually, he decides to stay in his quarters. _It’s better this way._

Kept awake by nightmares, Kaz finds himself wishing back the times when pain was physical, straight forward; a simple equation of cause and effect written in blood and fire. Everything is preferable to the dull ache inside him that doesn’t let up no matter what he does, a sense of longing so strong it makes it difficult to breathe in the small hours of the morning.

He thinks of Damocles and that damned sword hanging over his head and the comparison would be hilarious if it weren’t so real it hurts. Everything just _hurts_ and he hates it, hates that the only good thing that has happened to him in more than a decade is about to end – and this time, there’s no battle to fight, no revenge to be had...

The only thing he can do is wait.

*

Finally, Big Boss returns.

Smoking at his usual spot, Kaz sees the chopper land in the middle of the night, hears the cheery voices of the recruits greeting their Boss and Snake’s calm response. The hollow feeling inside him only intensifies at the sound of that smooth baritone he hasn’t heard in too long; somehow he still possesses the energy to hope that Big Boss will find something worthwhile in him after all, that he changed his mind between the beginning of the mission and now and just didn’t have the time to let him know.

It’s that hope he clings to as he waits anxiously for the knock on his door for ten hours, twenty hours, a day–

But things remain the same, always the same and Kaz can’t stand it any longer.

*

For the first time in days, he steps out of his quarters with a clear goal in mind. Kaz can’t help the feeling of déjà vu as he climbs the steps to the Boss's quarters, breathing heavily by the time he reaches the 4th floor.

Darkness creeps at the edge of his vision; it’s a combination of being constantly awake and not eating anything substantial for too long that makes the world tilt around him, but Kaz doesn’t care about that anymore – not when he’s standing in front of the door that separates him from his Boss, raising his hand to knock–

The door opens from the inside, and there he is. Kaz freezes up instantly, goes unnoticed by Snake who has his eyebrows drawn into a frown, biting on his bottom lip the way Kaz has learned means he’s deeply preoccupied.

The expression clears to one of surprise when he stops in his tracks and looks up.

“Kaz?”

Big Boss sounds _hopeful_ , of all things. Kaz’s heart clenches. _Has he been looking forward to this?_ Maybe he had been biding his time until his pride finally breaks and Kaz comes crawling back to him, ready for the finishing blow.

“We need to talk”, he says, voice hoarse from disuse but otherwise carefully neutral. Snake’s lips twitch, but he keeps whatever comment he wants to say to himself, nodding and stepping aside to let him in. His intense gaze follows Kaz when he brushes past him; he uses the last of his energy to stand tall and face him, shoulders squared.

“...Kaz?” The Boss asks again and narrows his eye as if the man in front of him is a puzzle he can’t quite figure out.

“Don’t”, Kaz grits out, clenching his jaw to keep his face blank. He refuses to play this little game of his any longer. “There’s no use in pretending, Snake. You got what you wanted, alright? I’m here, I’m done.” _Just get it over with_ , he adds silently, gripping his crutch tighter. He breaks eye contact, lowering his eyes to Big Boss's chest instead – anywhere but his face. He can’t stand to see it when he’s dismissed for good.

A beat of silence, then:

“What the hell are you talking about?”

It’s the complete bewilderment behind the question that makes Kaz glance up; his breath catches in his throat at the distress – no, _sorrow_ – written all over Snake’s face, etched deep into the scars and creases there. He instinctively recognizes the sincerity of the emotion, it’s all over his body language and in his widened eye, too–

It doesn’t make any sense. _Does he even remember the order?_ Kaz opens his mouth to reply, to say _something_ but the words abandon him.

“Kaz, is this supposed to be a joke? I don’t understand–“

It’s too much.

Kaz starts to laugh; it sounds twisted and ugly and more than a little hysterical but he can’t _stop_ no matter how much he tries to muffle it with his hand, laughs until his voice cracks and he coughs, lungs seizing up. Snake reaches for him but can’t bridge the distance between them, not completely – and still, he looks so helpless and confused that Kaz wants to cry instead.

He calms down enough to take a deep breath. “The suspension, Boss – that’s what I’m talking about. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t fault you for wanting me gone – I just thought you’d at least give it to me straight instead of... this.” Kaz gestures vaguely to the space between them. He sighs and rubs at his eyes under the aviators. God, he’s so exhausted.

He doesn’t hear Snake come closer; he just feels a touch to his shoulder and tenses, stumbles away from it. The hand draws back as if burned, hovering for a moment longer before it’s dropped back to the man’s side.

“Kaz, I never wanted you gone. _Never_ , you hear me? I thought–” Snake sounds breathless, talking faster and faster: “Ocelot told me you were working yourself too hard again. I was worried because–“, he struggles with the words stuck somewhere between his brain and his mouth, makes a noise of frustration. “I wanted you to take a break not– not this. Never this.”

Kaz is too stunned to react, watching the blood drain from Snake’s face and the way he wrings his mismatched hands with detached fascination. Rationally, he understands what Snake is trying to say; he hears every word and his brain processes it accordingly, but it fails to make a meaningful connection in his mind. It all seems so implausible, so blatantly _easy_ that it can’t be true. _And what does Ocelot have to do with all this?_ Kaz feels lightheaded, unwilling to do so much as breathe in case it’s just a dream. He shakes his head to clear his thoughts–

The resulting dizziness is so strong his vision blacks out for a second, only a solid grip on his arm stopping him from swaying. Kaz lets himself be steered to sit on the neatly made bed, too out of it to care. _What difference does it make? I fucked up, as always–_

“Drink.” Kaz blinks. There’s a glass of water in his limp hand, the cool touch welcome to the blisters that haven’t healed completely yet. Snake is kneeling in front of him, holding it patiently until his own fingers tighten around it. He reflexively obeys the firm command and drinks greedily, finishing it in three big gulps.

The glass is taken from him, replaced by an unwrapped protein bar. “Eat.” Again, a moment passes to comprehend what’s expected of him, then he bites off half of it, chewing slowly. Despite the water, his throat is too dry to swallow and he coughs, his hand going to his neck. Snake provides him with more water to wash it down, silently this time. There’s a strange look in his eye, fixed on the fingers rubbing at the still-bruised throat.

The silence lingers. Kaz can’t find the energy to look the other in the eye, doesn’t want to see the disappointment – or worse: disgust – he will find there. His stomach churns, unused to the sustenance after going so long without it.

It’s the overwhelming humiliation that weighs the heaviest.

He still straightens up when the Boss says his name, lifts his gaze because the Boss tells him to. After all these years, the instinct to follow his orders, to follow _him_ is deeply ingrained into Kaz’s being.

“Can I touch you?” The question throws him for a loop – _Why does he even ask?_ – and Kaz nods, hesitantly. Snake goes for his aviators, telegraphing his move with enough time for him to react but he lets him take them off, closing his eyes. He doesn’t expect him to cradle his face between his hands, so gentle – like he fears he will shatter into pieces under the pressure.

“Look at me, please.”

This time, Kaz meets his gaze head-on – and he finally _relents_ , letting the last of his walls crumble to dust. _Let him see_ , he thinks, surrendering himself to that searching look. _Maybe then he’ll understand that there’s nothing left of me._

But Snake doesn’t move from his kneeling position, doesn’t say anything – just looks at him, looks _through_ him for a long moment and then smiles with so much sadness that Kaz shudders, his vision blurring. Snake brushes his thumbs on his cheeks, swipes wetness across his skin and–

 _Oh._ Kaz blinks, feels more tears spill from his eyes and trail down his face. He’s numb all over, doesn’t know if it’s because he’s feeling too much or nothing at all; his next exhale sounds dangerously close to a sob. He doesn’t resist the strong arms that wrap around his trembling shoulders nor the way that he is crushed against a broad chest.

Kaz slumps like a puppet with cut strings, melts into the embrace with a broken noise; he clings to Venom’s shirt desperately and presses his face against his neck to breathe him in. The familiar scent of clean skin and metal invades his senses and it only makes him shake harder, drowning in the thought of the long sleepless nights without him.

The warmth around him shifts, _no, please don’t leave_ , until there’s one hand running down his back in comforting strokes - Venom’s bionic arm, cool and steadying – and the other buried in his hair, holding him tight. Venom says something, the words rumbling from chest to chest, but it’s drowned out by the harsh sound of heaving breaths and pained whimpers. It takes him a few seconds to understand that he’s the one making those noises; he clenches his lips shut to suppress them, to keep himself from falling apart completely but the grip on him tightens. This time, he understands the soft mumble: “It’s okay, Kaz. You’re okay. I’m here...”

Kaz can’t tell how long they stay that way, only that by the time Snake extracts himself carefully the suffocating pressure inside him has lifted. Everything feels blurred and jumbled to him, the relieved tension leaving nothing but exhaustion in its wake. He can barely follow what Venom is doing, fussing with the covers and then with Kaz’s clothes as he starts to take them off layer by layer – his beret, coat, tie, shoes, even his prosthetic, gone in startling efficiency. He doesn’t know _why_ and can’t find it in him to care, just lets Snake do with him whatever he wants.

It’s only when he’s suddenly on his back – body covered by a blanket, head resting on a pillow – and he sees Venom withdraw from him that he reacts in an instant spike of fear, grabbing for whatever part of him is closest. “Don’t leave”, he manages to say, the words slurred as his vision starts to tunnel, thoughts flickering out like burned-down candles.

He’s afraid that he won’t get an answer, that the Boss will shake off the weak fingers wrapped around his wrist and abandon him to solitude and darkness once again.

“I’m not leaving you. Rest.” Venom's words are soft, sealed by a gentle kiss against his temple.

Kaz sleeps.

*

He’s comfortable. Warm. Vague thoughts knock on the back of his mind and he grunts, turning away from them and burying his face deeper into the pillow. It’s different, somehow softer, less worn out and smells heavenly. He smiles, inhales deeply. He dozes off again.

A door closes. Kaz startles, brain jumpstarting to assess the danger before he recognizes the noise and relaxes again. _If it’s Ocelot dumping more of his paperwork on my desk I’m going to_ snap _._ Still, it can wait for when he’s feeling less hungover. _How much did I even drink?_ Kaz can’t think of the occasion, but if the Boss allowed alcohol on Mother Base it must’ve been something pretty significant. _Huh._

The smell of fresh coffee makes his nose twitch. Attention piqued, Kaz turns to the direction it’s coming from. He picks up the soft rustling of another person in the room but dismisses it as irrelevant – then he gets an idea.

“Mmmh, coffee?” he asks, barely lifting his face from the pillow to do so. The noise quiets down, no response forthcoming and Kaz grumbles, emphasizing his demand with a sloppy but impatient wave of his hand. Finally, he hears the person chuckle and, more importantly, come closer. _Success!_ He won’t even have to move to get his fix.

“You’ll have to sit up or you’ll spill it.” Or not. He’s too tired to place the voice right now, just feels himself bristle at the implicit command in the statement. He has to admit it’s true, though, and thus he complies.

As promised, the warm mug is placed into his hand once he has propped himself up against the headrest; Kaz cradles it like a precious gift, breathing in the steam before he takes the first sip. He hums contently, drinking slowly to draw out the pleasure. Only then is he ready to face the day - Kaz squints, expecting the brightness that assaults his sensitive pupils. Blinking, he brings his surroundings into focus–

This is not his room. His eyes widen when he recognizes the cassette tape collection on the table and the chaotic array of photos on the walls before his gaze falls onto the other person in the room, who is neither Ocelot nor a rude Diamond Dog but Venom Snake and _oh, fuck._

It’s ridiculous how fast the panic rises at the thought that _yes, I broke down yesterday_ and even worse, _Snake was there to witness it all_. If Big Boss thought him unfit to work before what will he say now? All it took was a week without him and he completely lost it. _I cried on the man’s shoulder for God’s sake–_

Snake is fiddling with something on the other side of the room, expression guarded except for the tense line of his mouth. Kaz can’t read his mood at all; he digs through the memory of the night before but it’s hazy at best considering his less than ideal state at the time. It doesn’t matter now: What’s done is done and he has to live with the consequences of his actions. He takes a deep breath and says: “Snake, I’m–“

“If you say you’re sorry for what happened I’m going to punch the wall. Again.” Venom doesn’t look angry despite the harsh words; in fact, a small smile tugs at his lips but it disappears when he sighs, stepping closer.

“What else do you want me to do?” Kaz asks quietly, staring at the half-empty mug in his hand. The peace of mind he felt only moments before is all but gone, erased by the brutal reality of his situation.

“Eat breakfast, for starters. Here.” Like the night before, his drink is plucked from his hand to be replaced by food – a bowl of cornflakes, to be exact. Kaz’s stomach rumbles at the sight even if hunger is currently the last thing on his mind. Knowing Snake, though, he won’t budge until it’s gone and thus he thanks him dispassionately, crossing his legs and placing the bowl in the middle of them to free his hand. Kaz eats mechanically, tasting nothing as he works through the soggy cereal.

The mattress shifts as Venom sits across from him, eating his own breakfast which consists of a single apple as far as Kaz can see. He frowns. He has seen the vast quantities of food that disappear into Snake’s body on any given day to maintain his muscle mass and overall fitness. _Maybe he ate already?_ Along the same path, Kaz wonders why he’s up and about in the early morning, anyways – after all, his schedule is pretty irregular since it depends on the often unpredictable missions – and he checks the time on Snake’s digital alarm clock.

2:34 pm. _Oh._

Then, something else catches his eye. Kaz swallows, setting his bowl aside to reach for the only other object on the nightstand. The small wooden picture frame is polished, the glass spotless – but he isn’t paying attention to that. It’s what’s in it that makes his heart miss a beat:

The photo shows the interior of the chopper, covered walls and everything. The perspective feels odd since it was taken from the cockpit facing the backseats, and right there, in the focal point, there’s _them_. Their body language is too intimate for them to be _just_ the Boss and his X.O. – Snake is fast asleep with a peaceful expression on his face, settled into a loose embrace against Kaz’s side, head on his shoulder. Kaz in turn is looking out the window, caught in a moment of reflection.

He had been thinking about Big Boss and that damned photo in his pocket, despite the warmth of the other’s body against him, the feeling of that strong heartbeat against his own.

“Pequod gave it to me the other day. He, uh, felt guilty for ‘sneaking up on us’, as he put it.” Venom supplies with a fond huff. The covers rustle as he shifts closer but he still maintains a measure of distance.

“Why?” Kaz hears himself ask, glancing up from the picture. “Why did you keep it?” _Why do you care?_

Venom doesn’t even blink at the question, just looks him square in the eyes with a knowing glint in his own and says: “Because it’s you, Kaz.”

“Me?” He scoffs, setting the frame aside to run his hand through his hair, suddenly agitated. “V, stop wasting your fucking time! Don’t you get it?” Kaz’s heart pounds almost violently against his ribs, his body starting to shake with frustration. “What you saw yesterday, _that’s_ what’s left of me. I’m–“ _broken, useless._ “I can’t fight our enemies in the field, I can’t train the recruits to do it for me – you even took the paperwork from me, _so what do you want with me_?!”

Kaz thinks of strong hands on his hips, of the electric feeling of skin against skin and chuckles humorlessly, ignoring his aching heart. “If it’s for a quick fuck now and then I can assure you there’s enough willing people on this base, literally _anyone_ –“

“I don’t _want_ anyone else. I want _you_.” There’s no doubt in that serious voice, no room for interpretation when Venom interrupts him. Kaz shuts his mouth with a click of his teeth, breathing heavily from his outburst; he wants nothing more than to pace the room, to do something to escape his own head but he _can’t_. _Why? Why would you want–_ He clenches his hand instead.

Venom leans forward, his deep blue eye never leaving Kaz’s face, never wavering in its intense gaze. “You’re not just another name on the list or– _dios mio_ , a warm body to fuck.” He shakes his head with indignation before he deflates with a sigh. “Kaz, you’re a brilliant strategist, the best X.O. I could ask for... But you’re more than skills to be ranked and filed away, more than the sum of your parts.”

He reaches for Kaz’s fist on his thigh, checking for permission with a glance at his expression; Kaz slowly opens it in response, palm up. Calloused fingers trace the blistered skin for a few quiet seconds.

Venom’s next words are a soft murmur, voice raw with sincerity: “You’re part of my family, my best friend – and my partner, in every sense of the word.”

Finally, Kaz’s mind starts to register what’s being said to him, his heart speeding up despite the crippling doubt he can’t shake. He stumbles over the last sentence. _Is he implying–?_

“I cleared your schedule because I wanted to protect what’s most important to me. _I love you_ , Kazuhira – not for your use for Diamond Dogs but for the person that you are. All of you.” He takes Kaz’s hand and presses a kiss against his palm, resting the smooth side of his forehead against it. It’s trembling, but instead of pulling it away Kaz decides to cup Venom’s face, brushing his thumb along the shadows under that blue eye.

He has to clear away the tightness in his throat to be able to speak. “I don’t know if–“ _I can do the same._ He stops, breathes, drops his hand to fiddle with the fingers of the other’s prosthetic, eyes on the gleaming red metal. Inhale, exhale.

"I’m a fucking mess, V.”

“I know. It doesn’t mean you have to stay that way.” Venom pauses. The hand under Kaz’s twitches. “Do you remember what you did when _I_ threw my very worst at you? You came back and asked which name I preferred. It was the first time anyone did that – ask what I wanted, that is – and you did it for _my_ sake, not Big Boss’s, not for Diamond Dogs. I was completely fucked up but you accepted me, you stayed and helped me through it...”

Kaz can see where he’s going with this. The comparison doesn’t quite fit – after all, what happened to Venom wasn’t his fault – but he doesn’t interrupt him, just listens to the words with a reluctant flickering of hope in his chest–

“You can get through this. You’re the strongest person I know, Kaz, yesterday doesn’t change that. But–“ Venom looks hesitant for the first time, thinking carefully how to phrase his words. Kaz tenses. “You once said the phantom pain keeps you focused, that it reminds you what we’re fighting for. We got our revenge, Kaz, but that pain still remains. It’s eating you up inside. It’s time to let the past go.”

“How?” Kaz’s voice is rough, his hand clenching in the loose hold made of cold titanium. _The taste of blood in the air and the stinging heat in his eyes– Gun fire, the screams of dying men– Mother Base crashes, burns around him–_ He shakes his head, closes his eyes to stop the memories. “What happened to MSF... What I let happen... I can’t allow myself to forget about that, that’s not– I can’t. You can’t ask that of me.”

“I’m not. I’m asking you to stop punishing yourself for it.”

The words hit him like a punch to the gut and he makes to withdraw, but the fingers around his fist snap shut like a trap, keeping him in place. Kaz’s eyes narrow, his jaw clenches – a warning that goes unheeded by Snake, whose calm facade is cracking. “Stop running, Kaz! Just– Stop. _Think_. Why do you work yourself to complete exhaustion time and time again? Why did you assume I’d want you gone? Why did you do this”, he forcefully opens his hand to reveal the half-healed blisters, “to yourself? Why did you–“

Venom takes a shuddering breath and presses on, gaze fixed on Kaz’s neck: “Why did you want me to choke you half to death during sex? I understand the appeal of pain, but that wasn’t it. It’s punishment, Kaz, to escape the guilt.”

“Let me go”, Kaz murmurs, flexing his hand when it’s released. He stays put, though, a defeated sigh worming its way past his lips. “I don’t know, V. I just... I don’t know what you want to hear from me here. It helps, it keeps me busy, keeps my mind of things I don’t want to think about.” A long stretch of silence. “I don’t know what else to do with myself-"

“Do you trust me?” Venom asks suddenly, a sharp glint in his eye.

“Yes”, Kaz replies without hesitation. Despite everything he doubts about himself, that one is certain. “With my life.”

“Then talk to me. Let me help you. I want you by my side, Kaz, but I refuse to simply stand by and watch you destroy yourself any longer. The recruits needs you, _I_ need you. Diamond Dogs is the future, _our_ future, but it can’t exist without you.”

There’s that tight feeling in his throat again and Kaz groans, rubbing at his eyes to hide the way he’s tearing up. “Christ, V... Alright. _Fine_. I need to think about this, just– I need time. Okay?”

Venom nods once and finally leans back, giving the other some space to breathe. Kaz feels like he’s gone a few times through a particularly tough meat grinder, body and mind aching after the taxing few hours – _days_ , really – that lie behind him.

The bed moves and he’s jolted out of his thoughts; Venom throws his legs over the edge of the bed, making to stand–

“V, wait–“ His guard is down so it’s easy to grab the front of his shirt and pull him closer. Kaz kisses him for the first time since this all started – since he pressed that unyielding hand against his throat and told him to squeeze – and he feels Venom submit to the hard pressure of his lips, opening his mouth readily when his insistent tongue demands it. They part with a softer, almost chaste kiss and Snake smiles, so fucking relieved that Kaz wants to kick himself for worrying him this much.

Venom eases back onto the bed and then, Kaz finds himself in a tight embrace. He feels a forceful exhale against his neck as his partner relaxes into it, resting his head against Kaz's shoulder. "V?", Kaz asks softly, breathing in Venom's scent, hair tickling his jaw. "Does this mean I’m back to being X.O. again?”

The other nods, nuzzling his jaw. "Yeah." He chuckles, his lips pressing on his skin with a smile.

 

"Welcome back, Commander Miller.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Happy Valentine's day? Please don't kill me.
> 
> You can't believe how happy I am that this chapter is finally done. It took me multiple tries and a few weeks to wrap my head around how I wanted this to end, and even then it was hard af to write. Urgh. Sorry for the massive delay... (Kept you waiting, huh? *sunglass emoji*)
> 
> Considering how much I struggled with this chapter, I'd really appreciate some feedback - what did you like, what did you dislike? You can always come over to [my tumblr](http://www.kawaiibooker.tumblr.com) and hit me up there!
> 
> Finally: This series isn't done. My beta and I have the next part planned out and it's gonna be pure fluff, so stay tuned~

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [【翻译】Let Our Shadows Fall Away (Like Dust) by Kawaiibooker](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6219499) by [zmzm007](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zmzm007/pseuds/zmzm007)




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